She probably doesn’t know that abortion isn’t just a fast, easy procedure without long term complications. Rather, research and personal testimonies of millions of women show that abortion can have emotional and medical repercussions that can last a lifetime.
What can you do to help guide your friend away from abortion and toward choosing life for herself and her baby? More than you might think.
Begin with love, care, acceptance and emotional support.
Your friend may have the false view that anyone who is pro-life is mean, uncaring, judgmental or a religious fanatic. However, with love and care, you can help change her perspective and lead her to safer and wiser options than abortion.
You will probably not be successful in steering your friend away from abortion unless you genuinely care about her and not just because you are trying to stop her from getting an abortion for abortion’s sake. If you are perceived as only caring about not wanting her to do it because abortion is killing a baby, your friend may be tempted to run to someone who is more emotionally supportive.
The first way that you show that you care is by not judging her.
When my girlfriend came to high school pregnant the summer after our junior year, I was relieved that she didn’t choose abortion. I also was certain that given the right circumstances and temptations, any girl in our class could’ve ended up in a similar situation. This perspective helped me to accept her.
I thought Jennifer probably already struggled with shame, so rather than judge her by asking, “What were you thinking?” or “You shouldn’t have had sex with your boyfriend,” I told her that I would still be her friend no matter what. The result? She asked me to be her bridesmaid at her wedding and twenty years later at our high school reunion she said, “You were one of the only friends who didn’t judge me.”
Judging can show up in our body language, the condemning things we say and when we correct another person with a prideful attitude.
A main thing to remember is that your friend is experiencing grief. She may feel like she’s losing many things: her youth and a good relationship with her boyfriend and parents. You can be a safe place by listening without correcting and not talking behind her back.
Tell her the truth when she asks if you think she should get an abortion.
It may be very difficult to tell your friend not to have an abortion because you might feel that it’s her decision. However, because abortion will negatively affect both her and her baby, the way to be a genuine friend is to tell her the truth.
When she asks you what you think about abortion, you’ll have an open opportunity to say, “Please don’t have an abortion.” Give her a hug, tell her that you know she’s afraid, reassure her that you won’t leave her and that there are other options that won’t ruin her life that are better than abortion. If she’s comfortable, you can also hold her hands and pray for her.
Take her to a pregnancy resource center.
Think back to the last time when something in your life devastated, confused and hurt you. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t go through your tough time alone. Neither can your friend. Most likely, she’s feeling a myriad of emotions: fear, anger, disappointment, self-hatred, anxiety and confusion. These emotions can keep her from thinking clearly. This is where you come in.
Tell her that you would like to support her by taking her to a pregnancy resource center where she can receive free confirmation of her pregnancy along with confidential, non-judgmental counseling on her options. You can find one in your area by visiting www.optionline.org or by looking in the yellow pages under “Abortion Alternatives.” Make sure you drive your friend, rather than just give her the center’s telephone number.
Encourage her that it’s a chance for her to gather the information she needs to make a good decision, and that the counselors at the center have no financial interest in what she chooses, unlike an abortion clinic.
If she is reluctant to go, remind her again that she’s not alone, and that she doesn’t have to make any decisions right away. This way, she won’t have to make a rash choice in a panic that could negatively affect her for the rest of her life.
The center will provide the support that you need because you won’ t be able to walk her through her crisis alone. Many pregnancy resource centers offer free ultrasound services, prenatal care, low and no-cost baby supplies, adoption referrals and a myriad of other services. Staff members are often women who have experienced unplanned pregnancies and abortions themselves, so they can provide comfort, an understanding ear, and reassurance.
Remember that this is a process.
Once you’ve encouraged your friend, told her the truth about abortion and taken her to a pregnancy resource center, remember that she’ll continue to need you as she walks through her pregnancy. It will be a process of listening and supporting as she shares many emotions over the months ahead.
Who knows, maybe she will be like my friend and twenty years from now she may tell you that you were a true friend in the middle of her crisis.
Shana Schutte is a freelance writer, author and speaker living in Colorado Springs, CO and the founder of Run to God Ministries.